Kegs n’ Eggs is a phenomenon I discovered my first year at UAlbany. The weekend either before or after St. Patrick’s Day most of the local bars open up early in the morning, charge a $10-$20 cover, and then allow the patrons to drink as much as they can until the taps run out. When the taps run out, students and locals alike wander drunk in the streets, occasionally catch the parade, get arrested, puke, pass out, or whatever.
When 9:30 rolls around we make our way over to our old Freshman-year stamping ground, the
Long Branch. On the way we see frat guys beating the shit out of each other in the snow and sorority girls who are dumb enough to wear heels with their little Greek lettered outfits tripping over themselves. At the Branch, there is a line wrapped around the corner, but we are too drunk to care. A blow-up doll is being passed up and down the line. A kid staggers outside of the bar into the street, his shirt is ripped and his eyes are lolling around in his head. He starts to walk toward Washington Ave and his pants fall down. A friend comes to his rescue and pulls his pants up for him. The kid tries to light the wrong end of a cigarette. Everyone in the line is laughing hysterically at him. Someone yells out: “Kegs n’ Eggs: It’ll get ya drunk!” As we wait in line I try to gauge my drunkenness against that of other people. I see girls wearing designer clothing and laugh to myself, that shit is getting wrecked today. Behind us there is a girl who has gone tanning so much she no longer looks like a human being. Craig turns to me and says, “That bitch looks like a carrot.” The orange girl definitely hears him. I wedge myself into the middle of the line and manage to cut about 20 times without anyone noticing or complaining. I hand over ten bucks and seal my ID into a Ziplock bag and enter the madness.
As soon as I step in the doorway beer hits me in the face. People are already soaked and there is about three inches of beer on the floor. A group of guys at the front of the bar have their shirts ripped in shreds and they are slapping each other making pink marks on each other’s chests and backs. Some sort of homoerotic Neanderthal ritual I suppose. Some people are wearing green party hats; others are drinking beer from the hats. I move up to the bar and wedge in to get a pitcher. As I reach for it someone pours a cold beer down the back of my neck, “AH! Dammit!” I yell, the beer sliding down my back and sending chills all over me. I turn around to see my friend Jesse, and I hurl my pitcher of beer into his face. We’re both laughing hysterically and I ask the bartender to fill me up again.
Every kind of debauchery seems to be occurring. The toilets are overflowing; someone has puked in the corner. Gropers are having a field day as the bar is packed and they can fondle away anonymously. I feel a hand on my ass and can’t turn around to see whose it is, whatever, I guess that’s a compliment. Friends and strangers alike are coating each other with Busch Light. The beer is stinging the shit out of my eyes; I guess I should have left my contacts at home. I can smell weed and wonder who had the balls to bring that in here, and how are they keeping it dry? People are sliding on their stomachs in the beer on the floor. Irish jig music is playing and people are laughing and dancing and pouring beer into each others’ ears, eyes, down their shirts, into their pants; there is not a dry patch on anyone. Every now and then an older hit song comes on and the drunks belt it out in unison: “NO SLEEP ‘TIL
BROOKLYN!” The bouncers seem pretty relaxed amid the absolute chaos around them. I spot a couple making out like it’s their last day on earth and point them out to my friends. We collectively throw beer on them, just because.
There are people drinking beer from everywhere you can imagine. A girl asks me to wring the beer out of my hair into her cup, “Are you fucking serious?” I ask. A kid with a tongue ring is licking the beer off of the bar. The bartender is laughing in disbelief. Guys are sucking it off the necks of random girls. You would think it was some kind of ambrosia rather than watery tap beer. Some dude is wearing a hat that says “Show me your tits” and a few girls are actually complying….
