Happy Holidays

1.  With the holiday season upon us I’d like to remind you that more people commit suicide on or around the holidays more than any other time of year. Why you might ask? Why would anyone want to take their life around the celebration of the birth of the lord Jesus Christ? I can tell you why my friends.

    

               For starters, herein lies the assumption that everyone celebrates Christmas. If I were a Jew, Muslim, Hindu, Shinto, Buddhist, or Pagan I would probably be seething with rage from October 1^st to December 26^th. As soon as a leaf turns orange every store puts up lights, trees, the nativity, and forces Christmas into every orifice of the passerby.  I consider myself to be an atheist, but I celebrate the American Christmas bullshit as far as gifts, gluttony, and shameless alcohol abuse goes.  

                The average American Christmas scarcely involves Jesus at all. On Christmas Eve, anyone who was born Christian suddenly remembers the whole church bit and rushes into get their yearly dosage, and soon remember why they never go to church to begin with. The same story, awful songs, boring rituals, stand-sit-kneel, yadda yadda.  As a victim of Catholic damage I know this bullshit all too well. Sitting among the guilt-ridden church sheep for what seems like an eternity in a jam-packed pew, suffocating in the smell of old lady perfume, and trying to drown out the sound of wailing infants. It seems a screaming baby wrapped in red velvet is the perfect Christmas accessory.  I used to go along to appease my father, as he pitifully believes that my once-a year church observation will absolve me of all the alcohol abuse, unlawful altercations, and wild, pre-marital sex I’ve been having all year.

              

               Another reason people feel like offing themselves might be the immense pressure of getting everyone a gift. Mom, Dad, siblings, grandparents, uncles you can’t stand, the boyfriend/girlfriend you think you might dump around New Year’s anyway, your boss, the coworker who is constantly snapping her gum and bitching about her kids, etc. You always end up shopping for someone who will return whatever you get anyway. What the fuck?! Why do we bother with this shit?!?! I think I’m getting those extra people on my list socks as a not-so-subliminal way of telling them I hate them.

    

               Then we come to my favorite people. Those fucking assholes you don’t see all year but feel the need to send you a fucking update letter on how they are all doing, how much better their family is than yours, and a picture of their happy little family gathered around a Christmas tree.  Can we please find a way to forward all these letters to a secret, underground militia that will have these people eliminated completely? I didn’t think so.

   So, as they say if you can’t beat ‘em, join’em. Considering I haven’t spoken to my extended family in over 4 years I might as well let everyone know what’s been happenin’…Like the fact that I have two jobs that suck, bills out the ass, I live in a ghetto, and am basically F’ed in the A.  Or maybe I should inform them tha I often consider leaving the U.S. to start a Colombian drug cartel and live a life of violence, lawlessness and pure, unbridled joy.

               Until then, I’ll suspend the urge to hang myself from the ceiling with Christmas lights as a sort of festive suicide/mistletoe decoration by maintaining a vicodin/booze/food coma for the next month and a half.

   Happy Fucking Holidays.