Dear College,
As much as I resent boring classes, spending a shitload on textbooks, cramming for tests cracked out on adderall, and writing papers last minute like my life depends on it…I am going to fucking miss you. College, what you did for me, what you did for a tiny chick from the sticks, the girl everybody misjudged, you gave me my second chance. How I met so many new friends, people with aspirations, people going places, people going nowhere but enjoying the ride.
College, you taught me how to drink! And drink hard! I found hundreds of new friends every night just by way of holding a bathroom door for someone, helping someone carry a drunk friend to a cab, or being the one carried. The useless knowledge I gained! The formulas for mixes that will fuck a person up the fastest! The appreciation for Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer” and Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’”, by god, I will hold on to that feelin’! My love affair with Jack Daniels’s and the many nights he sent me into a full-fledged blackout.
By way of those who left, were forced to leave, and dropped out-college you taught me to always keep my head above water, even at the last minute. I learned all the formulas for staying awake, for cutting corners, and even for making money off the laziness and procrastination of others. Remember the group homework sessions-that god awful psychology supplement from freshman year! Remember listening to the Requiem Soundtrack on loop for 12 hours while banging out a 15 page paper???
College you taught me to unleash the unbridled, unabashed sex goddess (or demon) inside me. The one that can always score a free drink, tickets, a job, etc. College you taught me that tits and ass will win over book smarts 9-1, but also that a snappy sense of humor pushes you over the top. You taught me to be myself. You taught me that the girls who talk shit are the girls who wish they were you. You taught me never to apologize or compromise who I was for someone else. You also taught me the awkward lessons about sex, the drama that often ensues, and to refrain from hooking up with close friends.
College you taught me shame and humility. Be it picking myself up off of whomever’s floor, coming to whilst getting an IV inserted in the hospital, or doing “the walk” in last night’s party clothes at 9AM. You taught me to drink more water, use aspirin in moderation, and to sweat out a hangover.
College you taught me the beauty of randomness. The hilarity of the odd and the insane. Making snow penises on the quad never fails to cure cabin fever. Streaking on a warm summer night is a thrill like no other. Sending pictures of beer cans made into forts, funny road signs (Coxsackie), and nipples is routine- and a great study break. Shaming is an art form-always have sharpies on hand. Anything is appropriate décor.
College you taught me about friendship. You taught me that in the end, you find out who your true friends are. You taught me that in reality we have few great friends and many acquaintances. You taught me a real friend holds your hair back when you puke your brains out, makes sure you get home ok, and forgives you for your drunken belligerence/violence-especially if it’s your birthday.
College you taught me never to be drunk on film or on tape. You taught me to beware clicking on anything that pops up on my screen. You taught me how to waste hours on end with the internet alone. You taught me to enjoy Monday Night RAW-I’m still amazed by that one. College you made me appreciate songs like “Colt 45” and “In Da Club”. College, you even made me embrace Long Islanders, although I’m more partial to these Jersey kids, and we upstaters drink you all under the table.
College, you whore, you evil bitch, you gave me everything and now it’s over. Four short years and you’re kicking my ass to the curb. Thanks for the memories you heartless cunt. Thanks for pizza at 3AM that I can’t taste anyway, thank you for laughs about someone pissing on my suitemate’s bedroom door, breaking bottles and patio furniture in the street, the kid who came naked to Higgins’ class, the 5’6” penis (my roommate) that I rode across the podium, the ghetto vernacular I accumulated, my knowledge of hard liquors, ladies’ night, fountain day, kegs n’ eggs, live at five, and countless other bullshit that breaks my heart to be saying goodbye to. Fuck you, I love you, I’ll miss you.
- Spike, The Rock, Nutsy, Axl, Chels
Let’s just say I love Bruce Willis. The man known for is impressive work in “Die Hard”, “Die Hard: With a Vengeance”, “Tears of the Sun”, and my favorite “Blind Date” with Kim Basinger. Unfortunately, I have not been able to enjoy such movies upon hearing that Bruce was a Republican. Now, that’s somewhat of an extremist statement, allow me to elaborate. Anyone who believes that George Bush is a) intelligent, b) on the right track, and/or c) knows what he’s doing, instantly loses all credibility in my eyes. If you are a Bush fan, I need not explain, I won’t mess with Texas, and God Bless America y’all, you needn’t read on.
If you agree that, at least some of the Bush agenda is misguided, you can understand why I was disappointed to see Willis go the way of the right wing. Bruce Willis is a bad ass guy, he always comes through to save the day on screen, and as a celebrity he seems pretty down-to-earth as well. Need an example? The man is friendly with a 28 year-old sex symbol actor, Ashton Kutcher, who lives with Bruce’s ex-wife and kids.
Anyway, my faith in Willis was restored by a quote recorded at a press conference for his new movie “16 Blocks”. Willis lost his cool when reporters questioned his political stance. Willis spouted : “I’m sick of answering this [expletive] question, I’m a Republican only as far as I want a smaller government, I want less government intrusion. I want them to stop [expletive] on my money and your money and tax dollars that we give 50 percent of… every year. I want them to be fiscally responsible and I want these [expletive] lobbyists out of Washington. Do that and I’ll say I’m a Republican… I hate the government, OK? I’m a-political. Write that down. I’m not a Republican.”
THANK YOU BRUCE! Anytime a celebrity lets his/her hair down and the truth flows, my hat is off to them. Spewing expletives might not be the best thing for publicity, but I doubt fans mind. Afterall, one of Bruce’s most famous lines is “Yippee Kay-yay Motherf*cker”.
Willis was not done ranting however, and even attacked America’s beloved Oprah, which may have been a bad career move. Willis criticized Oprah for chastizing author James Frey for “lying” in his bestseller “A Million Little Pieces”.
“Oprah, you had President Clinton on your show, and if this [expletive] didn’t lie about a couple of things, I’m going to set myself on fire right now. James Frey’s a writer, he can write whatever he wants. It’s shameful how he was treated.”
Willis’s passion is fabulous, screw political-correctness. Bruce is fed up with how superficial and petty the entertainment world has become. Taking on Oprah, though? Best of luck Bruce.
